Echo doesn’t consider me to be her “best friend” anymore.

I literally just broke down.

I didn’t leave you because you weren’t good enough for me. I left because I wasn’t good enough for you.

tedi0us:

kinda just want to die tbh

not like kill myself

but just fall asleep and never wake up kinda die

upside-d0wnkisses:

I wish I could fucking be happy for once.

I hate I can’t put what I’m thinking into words.

I opened my heart up to so many people. Why must I do that? I’m just opening my heart up to those who will always crush it.

Can I cry alone? I never liked being alone. I just hate feeling alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

So basically all of Twitter knows I slept with over forty guys. So what? If you want to have sex, why shouldn’t you? Guys are always the players while girls are the sluts? Like seriously, grow the fuck up.

It’s all psychological with me, I believe. I feel control. I feel like I get to have a choice. I say yes to sex because I can. I can say no to sex because I can. I didn’t have it that way when my step father took my virginity. I didn’t. It carried for a year and a half. I was only twelve years old and I was terrified. I would wake up on the weekends to him touching me. Can you believe that? I called this man “dad” for eleven years and he went and did that to me.

It’s scary. Your past is a big part of who you are. My mind blocked out everything before I was twelve. I only have one good memory where his face doesn’t pop up.

Anyways, it’s going to be the talk of the week when school starts up again. I have two months till I graduate and I won’t see any of those peasants anymore.

Oh, and I talked to my grandmother. She’s letting me stay with her for the rest of the school year. I’m still not ready to go back to my mothers and I don’t think I ever will be.

It’s becoming extremely awkward and unwelcoming in the Hopkins house nowadays. I can definitely tell I overstayed my welcome and Echo doesn’t even want to talk nor look at me anymore.

I’ve lost so much this year I feel. I lost two maybe three friends. Kim, Selena, and Jessica. And now, I have a feeling I’ve lost Echo too.

I know, there’s so much more people with bigger problems in this world, that’s why I always feel guilty and stupid when I rant like this.

I’m not trying to get anyone’s pity. Ranting is better for me. I get to express everything and those that I talk about, don’t come at me with a responses that makes me feel selfish or uncaring or pathetic.

I would know. My mother always made me feel that way. She always had something quick to say. Everyone’s responses always gets me thinking; thinking that they’re right and I’m wrong.

I feel satisfied also when I preach. It helps me realize some cases and no one is quick to judge. I deleted my last blog because I’ve been getting hate messages. It started off with compliments of how “sexy” I was. Then it kicked into overdrive when I got messages telling me that I’m slut. And that what happened between me and my step father was not true.

At this point, I don’t think I care what people think. (Total lie.) I care what people think of me. It’s possible because of society. It’s possible because maybe I’m conceited or have a low self-esteem. But I’m able to admit that I care. And admitting stuff is what I have been doing lately.

I admit that I have a problem. I admit that I slept with forty something guys. I admit that I’m not perfect or the prettiest girl ever. I know I’m not skinny. I know I’m not book smart. I know that I have a very small place in this world, but hey, it’s a place. I matter to someone, anyone. Nobody can’t say anything nice about me and mean it.

So here’s to hope. Hope that my future and everyone else’s would lead to something better. A better place to live. Better people to be around. Better aura rather than those who let you down the most.